The Shower Boogy

Posted on March 10, 2015

Reviewing some of the popular dances over the years, I notice that a lot of them are based around something else. The Sprinkler, Milking the Big Cow, the Shopping Cart, Window Wiper.

Then there are the kinds that just describe what you’re doing: Pop and Lock, Moon Walk.
There are also songs that tell you what to do, such as the Hokey Pokey, Line Dancing, cha cha slide, cupid shuffle.

Using that formula, I’ve come up with the next new hit.  You’re welcome:

The Shower Boogy- set to a country 2 step
(Act out each line in time with the music)

Pull back that curtain, now step right in.
Turn on the water, let it wet your skin.
Grab the soap, and lather your hand.
Spit in the drain, that’s how it’s planned.
Brush those pits, get them primed,
Belly button too, make it shine.
Get those toes, and behind the ears,
One place left, that everyone fears.
Spread those cheeks and brush the hole,
That’s how you do, the shower boogy bowl.

It’s the shower, boogy, bowl.

Yuletide Oppression

Posted on March 03, 2015

Santa runs the North Pole with his friendly elves creating toys for all the good little boys and girls. Some say Santa is an elf himself, but if he’s an elf he’s a damn big one. That doesn’t really make sense does it? Unless of course he got into some of Bane’s Venom.
So if Santa started taking massive amounts of steroids in order to become the king of the elves, then he has them make toys for kids? Sounds like a front to me, powered on slave labor. Maybe the adults of this world that have received the toys created from elves sweat and blood owe a little something to the slave workers of our childhood…
For only pennies a day, you could supply an elf with enough steroids to bulk up and help topple their yuletide captors, nine months could change a life time of oppression. These poor elves suffer under unfit working condition and freezing temperatures with only long socks to protect their legs from the bitter cold.
Won’t you help…

Age Old Screen Names

Posted on February 02, 2015

There was a time when chatting with strangers on the internet fell into fairly unregulated categories, mostly horny teenagers and lonely adults. Screen names were usually hatched in a 20 second binge using a variety of key words that were sure to draw in the desirable conversationalists: Gamer, Doggy, Skater, GuitarMan, Hott, XXX, etc.
The other part that came to be rather quickly was adding numbers to the screen name, because how in the world could somebody else get to the name FriskyMick first? Maybe you could be FriskyMick2, or spice it up and be FriskyMick69. When that didn’t work you could go with your birthday, or year of birth, get it out there that you are in fact FriskyMick21, or FriskyMick94 a young stud named Mick.
On the other hand, if you were spry and felt like trying to get some pics from a young promiscuous stranger maybe you use FriskyMick34, for the year you were born. Coast those middle aged chat rooms looking for the perfect combination of lonely and drunk. Letting your fingers drag across the keys, making references to TV
shows from the 50′s, but people think you’re eccentric not old. Lean back and wait for the pictures to process, one pixel at a time. Try and stay awake through that 10 minute download.

How Many Licks?

Posted on December 01, 2014

Somehow I saw the old school tootsie roll commercial again, and something about it stood out.
Yes there was still that asshole owl that ate the kid’s candy, but there were other things. A random kid walking around in the woods talking to cows, foxes, turtles and owl? What mushrooms was he licking before he decided to talk to these animals? And why the hell isn’t he wearing any clothes? And why is the fox wearing sunglasses? And if the owl is a professor why is he still wearing his hat from graduation?
Seems to me that somewhere along the way, the kid decided to take bath salts and offer “animals” his “tootsie pop”, he got turned down quite a few times, until he found that old professor. Yes, he was very willing to help him with his licking problem. Smart owls know when an opportunity is staring them in the eye.

I Love My TV

Posted on November 25, 2014

I’m a pretty open minded guy, no that’s not really true, I’m a caveman.
Being a caveman, you would think I love to be outside. No, no I do not. If there is a pool available, or some sort of communal activity that involves sunshine and drinking, I’ll be there. Camping is confusing to me. I’ll explain.

We, the royal WE, the human race created things like AC units, carpet, insulation, thermal cook microwaves and water heaters, there are even people with heated toilet seats. What part of the brain says that it’s cool to spend all that money on expensive stuff for entertainment and comfort, but to leave it all behind and go spend a weekend in the woods. The woods without electricity or functional toilets, or the Internet.
I understand the getting in touch with nature piece, go look at a flower, takes a couple minutes then you can be back on the couch eating Cheetos in no time.
There is the piece(mostly in men) that says, “Me can survive. Me strong. I can do it with my hands.” Being a man, I get that part too. Go canoeing, prove that you’re a God on the rapids, then go take a hot shower and order some faux Italian pizza and have it delivered to your door while you sip an ice cold chocolate milk in your underwear.

I say enjoy all these technical marvels while you can. We can camp when the zombies come.

I Want a Makeover!

Posted on October 10, 2014

Spending a little time at the local mall I got a chance to stroll through one of the makeup counters. Every counter had multiple salespeople offering makeovers to women of all ages, from trying various makeups and wrinkle creams to sitting down and getting your makeup done. Many women and girls passed on the free makeovers even if they were buying the products offered.

Why don’t they have something like this at the mall for men? Maybe a craft beer counter, when you can sit down and try all 14 crafts beers to make your choice just a little easier. Perhaps a meat counter, where you try a variety of meats with different rubs and branded sauces? How about a gun counter where you can try out any handgun you want to find the perfect fit? Come on malls, where’s your sense of adventure? The guys are there bored off their asses, you just need to cater.

Jewish Black Asian Hispanic People

Posted on August 08, 2014

I leave the TV on in the background pretty much all day. With that in mind, I tend to hear and occasionally see the same commercials over and over. One that caught my attention was the new blackpeoplemeet website advertisement. Originally I thought it was odd because the way they were advertising their product was by showing two people bumping into each other at a grocery store. If you can do that why the hell would I pay for your service?
Then I considered, how pissed would people get if there was a whitepeoplemeet website. With a little research not only did I discover that everyone thinks that the black dating site is simply segregating for the sole point of segregating, but that THERE IS a whitepeoplemeet web site.Racist, definitely, worth a look, oh yea.
If you’re like me and just enjoy seeing people make complete asses of themselves, check out one of these websites. There is actually a guy on the front page of whitepeoplemeet right now wearing old German military fatigues. Delightful.So I decided to look at a few more of the odd ones to let you know what you’re missing.

Ashley Madison-A site dedicated to married people looking to hook up. Wanna get caught in your affair real quick? Post your picture online declaring that you’re looking for some strange.

Women Behind Bars-connects you to a woman in jail to chat with. Someday maybe you can rob a liquor store together.

Pot partner-Wanna get high and consider banging before we fall asleep…mmm pizza…

Tall Friend-Yup, a dating site just for tall peoples, no shorties allowed.

Trek Passions-Only for the uber nerdy, specifically for those with a passion for Star Trek or Star Wars.

last but definitely not least-

Daily Diapers-That’s right, you know you want to dress up like a baby and have someone change, spank, feed, and bathe you. This sight is for anyone who wants to relive the baby years, and for someone who just really wants to spank adults in diapers apparently.

Why Watch?

Posted on July 10, 2014

There is a disturbance in the televised entertainment universe.

Men (obviously I can speak to that on a better level) enjoy watching kick ass guys and hot girls do kick ass things. It’s a testosterone driven sex fest. Even with horror or supernatural movies, it seems that guys are proving to themselves that we’re so damn manly, we can sit through a horror movie without spoiling our panties.
Women on the other hand make choices that I have tried to understand, but still fail miserably. They want to watch movies that make them sad and cry, which seems like a horrible decision. Or shows about ignorant pompous “real” people that make them angry/jealous/and sometimes laugh at their insanity. Mix in there a little bit of the romantic stuff, that is the mirror image of a guy’s macho movie: take the formula and repeat with new actors/special effects/minor plot twists/animal/aliens/etc.
So let’s roll this out men, watch shit that gets their testosterone up and puff the chest out. Idiotic, but since I fall in that class and I just watched Commando-SHUT UP, WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?!?!
Women watch things that make them cry, hate men in general, and wish that they had the life of the Think You Can Model Idol 2: Romance in the Caribbean.
Solution: Obviously you could burn your television, but then what would you watch porn on? Plan B: Watch a chick flick and action movie simultaneously. Yea, she may cry while he’s screaming in a testosterone filled rage, but there’s always the chance for make up sex away from your imaginary friends.

Red Handled Cleaver

Posted on June 25, 2014

I once had a cleaver with a red handle grip,
Its blade was so shiny with a sharp pointy tip.
Forever estranged in a world worth slicing,
With no blade in hand, it’s so less enticing.
Where have you gone, my red handled cleaver,
To find a new home and cut out the fever?
We had some good times, when you were shiny and new,
You sliced through it all, even bone and sinew.
I hope that you find a hand made for dicing,
Perhaps you can teach it about people slicing.
Tell them stories about days from the past,
How we sliced that poor hobo, how he was our last.
I wish you the best, oh red handled blade,
Our time was short, but with bodies we paved.
Gone from me now, without even farewell,
I think I’ll head to the mall, to the cutlery sale.


Posted on May 06, 2014

I don’t care about sports, of any kind. That being said, I will attend sports functions, usually under the bribe of alcohol. Given how far they can go with mascots and events at arenas it seems like they are missing a vital piece to wrap in those slightly less sporty folk. If your team is the Vikings, why wouldn’t you have a slew of people dressed up in Nordic wear screaming at people and pounding beer?
Better yet, why not name a professional team the Zombies, and everyone in the stadium can dress up?
Serve some tangy red sauce on everything. Pour the beer into plastic versions of melee weapons. And whenever someone scores have an entire group of zombies chase them around the stadium.
I would get watch that team.